Making Art

When I originally typed in “making art” in the Living List, I envisioned “art” art. Like pottery or screenprinting or drawing or something that people could appreciate visually. Turns out my heart had other intentions, at least initially. Which, in turn, ties in with bullets five and eleven also on the list.

Art, for me, has always been about music. In my head, in my heart, in my soul. It is definitely one thing that I absolutely can not live without. Doesn’t really matter what artist, genre, or sound. As long as it has a beat and a melody, I’m happy. I’ve been singing in private (happily) and in public (usually reluctantly) since I was a little girl. I remember my first performance was in grade three; I sang a cover of Paul Anka’s “Put Your Head on My Shoulder”…always a hopeless romantic. I have no recollection of why or where I sang this song, I just remember preparing for the performance…and my mother criticising my work.

As I grew into my formative years, my parents were less than always thrilled with my constant hairbrush-in-the-bedroom-mirror performances. One time, when I was about thirteen, they were attempting to watch television in the living room, which shared a wall with my bedroom. I was crooning away (likely to Madonna’s “Open Your Heart” or George Michael’s “Faith” – man, am I ever dating myself here!) and all of a sudden, I heard pounding on the wall and a very loud, “Shut up!!” come from the living room.

That single event changed my life drastically and still affects me to this day.

Since then, I have never sung solo in public and resigned myself to only singing in groups. In fact, I stopped singing altogether for about six years immediately following that, unless I was home alone, until a good friend urged me to sing in her community choir when I was 19. From age 19 to about 31, I sang regularly in numerous choral groups – in Kamloops, Surrey, Burnaby, New Westminster, and Vancouver. Any time I had to audition for a choir, I was terrified, so mostly stuck to non-auditioned choirs. I took voice lessons during that time frame as well and only stopped when I had a new vocal coach once tell me that I had a “mediocre” voice. Through my fear, I managed to audition for two musicals – The Lion King and Mamma Mia. Due to my nervousness and lack of self esteem, I didn’t get a call back.

To my parent and teacher friends…please realize how deeply your words can affect children. Even if you are just trying to watch TV and your child is singing loudly in his or her room…just turn up the volume. Encourage them, don’t criticise. Even if it sounds like total crap. Music may be their dream.

I am trying not to care anymore. For the first time really ever, I am starting to sing solo in front of others and be brave enough to not give a damn about what they think. For the first time in seven years, I finally sung in front of Markus loudly enough for him to actually hear me. Terrifying.

I played piano for a little while when I was younger, around that same grade three time period. I quit, because I didn’t have the discipline to practise every day. It is my one (huge) regret.

Today, I’m starting guitar lessons. I’m attending an informational meeting on a new show choir starting in the fall. I’m scoping out open mike nights in New Westminster and the rest of the Lower Mainland. I’m researching recording equipment. I’m scanning CraigsList and The Georgia Straight for musicians. I’m creating a set list in my mind. I’m imagining my performance persona. I am crafting my skill.

It is never too late and hopefully now I have the discipline to see this through. This is my heart. This is my art.

Reincarnation

Not the soulful kind…but the soul full kind.

The rebirth of this blog and its contents were inspired by two people on the periphery of my life, both who’ve made a fairly significant impact on my life without even being aware of that impact.

The first is Kim Werker. I “know” Kim from the Internet. We know some of the same people in real life, but we’ve never met or had a face-to-face conversation. However, Kim is one of the bravest people I know of. Brave, because she puts herself out there creatively and isn’t afraid to fail. She has created this wonderful concept, Mighty Ugly, where she encourages us to create something “hideous, grotesque, revolting”. Like, truly awful. Not something that is awful because we tried to make it look nice, but failed. Something really, truly disgusting…ON PURPOSE.

Why would anyone do this, you ask? To rid ourselves of the pressure of being perfect. To obliterate the concept of failure, of not being enough. Screw it, Kim says. Whatever you create, however you create it, it is exactly perfect as it is. Sort of like that line from Bridget Jones’s Diary, where Mark Darcy claims that he likes Bridget just as she is.

It may or may not be known that I don’t fancy myself a very creative person. And the reason I don’t is because I am a perfectionist. I am afraid that if I create something, anything, I will be displeased with the outcome. And others will too, because I am not good enough. What total and utter bullcrap. That ends today.

The second person is Derek K. Miller. If you live in the Lower Mainland and are on the Internet in any capacity, you have already likely heard that Derek passed away last Tuesday evening from complications due to colorectal cancer. Derek was 41. He leaves behind his wonderful wife, Airdrie, and two children, Marina and Lauren, as well as other family and a huge number of friends and acquaintances. Over the past number of years, Derek taught me about life, about living, about being a gracious human being.

Derek wrote in his final blog post:

“The world, indeed the whole universe, is a beautiful, astonishing, wondrous place. There is always more to find out. I don’t look back and regret anything, and I hope my family can find a way to do the same.

What is true is that I loved them. Lauren and Marina, as you mature and become yourselves over the years, know that I loved you and did my best to be a good father.

Airdrie, you were my best friend and my closest connection. I don’t know what we’d have been like without each other, but I think the world would be a poorer place. I loved you deeply, I loved you, I loved you, I loved you.”

What an astounding message to leave to the world. My eyes, and heart, heard it loud and clear.

This little piece of the Internet that I’ve carved out is here to document my past, and also my next steps on this journey called life. It’s here to capture my successes, my mistakes, my love, my compassion…my living. For the next while, it will be here to capture a record of All The Things I’ve Been Too Scared To Try, which is my first project within this reincarnation. Here are just a few of them:

• making art
• crafting
• sewing
• crocheting
• looking / sounding / acting foolish
• ziplining
• dinner parties
• speaking German to my in-laws
• dancing
• hula hooping
• singing in public
• gardening
• photographing
• friend-making
• public speaking
• writing

Really, this is just the tip of the iceberg. If there are any things that you can think of that I might like to try, add them to the list by leaving them in the comments. And thank you, so very much, to both Kim and Derek for being such inspirational people!

PS – The archives are a work in progress. Not only are there old, dead, and broken links (the hazard of being online since 2005), but I also have to go back and reduce all my double spaces to single, as Derek would’ve wanted (the link to his post is currently broken – check out January 15, 2011).

PPS – The previous two entries were obviously what initially propagated when this domain was reinstated. They took me by surprise and just re-confirmed my message. I sat down and had a good long cry after re-reading them.

Goodbye

Rest in peace, my dear sweet Calli Boo. You will be forever with me. Thank you for all the joy you brought into my life. I love you.

“The Surgeon Just Delivered the Bad News. Devastated.”

I posted this update on Twitter and Facebook today.

Queen Calli Boo the Kitty has a substantial carcinoma in her left ear. She was scheduled for a complete ear canal ablation surgery on January 20. Over the course of the Christmas holidays, we received reports from the cat sitter that Calli was not doing so well – definite lack of appetite and noticeable weight loss, balance issues, increased blood secretions from the left ear (the melanoma is hemorrhagic). I attempted to get an early flight out of Vienna, with no luck. There were just too many holiday travellers and everything was booked solid. We called the surgeon and moved the surgery up to today. I was feeling good about this prospect, just wanting to get Calli into surgery so that she (and I) could deal with the aftereffects – Horner’s syndrome, continual balance issues, possible facial paralysis, stitches, pain.

Upon returning home on January 4, I realized that our original plan was most likely not going to work. I called the surgeon yesterday to discuss Calli’s recent and rapid deterioration, mostly with regard to the weight loss and a new grape-sized lump just under her left ear. She immediately cancelled the surgery for today and, instead, asked to examine her again to determine our next course of action. That examination was this morning at 9:30am.

I got the call at work shortly before 10am. There would be no surgery for Calli. The melanoma has most likely taken over her inner ear, invaded her skull and/or brain and spread to her lungs. She has lost about 1.5 pounds. She has a definitive leftwards tilt when walking. She eats sparingly, even when offered tuna and Fancy Feast (the McDonald’s of cat food). There is significant increase in the blood secretions from her left ear. And the lump is a solid mass, clearly palpable. All this in three short weeks. Any other testing to be done now would purely be for academic reasons and would do nothing to save her. The surgeon recommended the only humane option left and urged us to do it within a maximum of two weeks, an impossibly short time frame.

I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how I’m going to be okay without my best friend. I’ve only had Calli for just under seven years. I think she’s about fourteen, but I’m not sure, as I adopted her as a stray from the Burnaby SPCA on May 23, 2003. All I do know is that I’m not ready for her to leave me. Devastated doesn’t even begin to describe how I’m feeling.

Queen Calli Boo the Kitty…I love you. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for the snuggles, for the head bonks, for the purrs, for the loud meows at 5am when you were hungry, for always hopping in an open suitcase, for stuffing yourself into an already stuffed pillowcase, for being the best ramcadog ever, for the constant and unwavering companionship and love. I will miss you terribly.

Vive Paris!

Day 2 in Paris!

Yesterday, we walked and walked and walked all over the 2nd District, down Boulevard de Bonne Nouvelle / Poissonnière / Montmartre to the Opéra Garnier and back again, then down a third time after dinner. Down Rue de la Paix to Place Vendôme, over to Avenue de l’Opéra and through some small back streets back to our apartment.

Our first meal (lunch) was at a little brasserie on Blvd de Bonne Nouvelle. Markus had boeuf bourguignon and I had coq au vin – délicieux! Dinner was at an Italian eatery not far away – we shared a tomato and mozzerella salad (the BEST mozza I’ve ever eaten!), Markus had a calzone and I had rigatoni gorgonzola. Mmmmmm!

Tonight, however, we’re dining like the locals. We walked back up Rue Montorgueil on our way back to the apartment, a mainly pedestrian corridor, and ordered baguette, fromage, paté, saucisson, et vin from the shopkeepers. It was so much fun! We ordered it in our fluent rusty high school français and they understood us!

Our original plan today was the Louvre. However, it was a gorgeous sunny day (albeit freezing cold – approximately -7 degrees), so we decided to wander around outside instead. So, off we went down rue Montorgueil to St. Eustache church and les Halles. From there down rue du Louvre to Quai du Louvre and over Pont Neuf. Once on Île de la Cité, there’s only one place to go…follow the crowds to Notre Dame. Magnifique! Très bonne! We’ve decided to return for Mass on Christmas Eve.

Afterward, we needed a quick warm up, so we popped in a little café to have a café au laît / chocolat chaud and deux crêpes avec Nutella. Then onwards to the Louvre for some nighttime shots. So beautiful and so enormous!!! Then we started our walk back home down rue St. Honoré, up rue du Louvre, over on rue Étienne Marcel, back to rue Montorgueil.

Now, with full bellies, sore feet, and tired bodies, we’re planning out our day tomorrow! Pictures can be found on Flickr.

What Gallbladder?

Time for an update, huh?

I’ve been busy…with gallbladder removal surgery, mostly.

The surgery went pretty well and I’m pleased to say that I’m approximately 80% back to “normal”.  A couple more weeks and I should be perfectly A-OK. I definitely do NOT want to go into surgery ever again, though. I do not react well to general anaesthetic – meaning that I take a REALLY long time to wake up out of it and even somewhat feel normal again afterward. Out of all the patients having day surgery at St. Paul’s that day, I was the LAST one in the recovery room.

Basic timeline:

9:45am – Show up at Day Surgery ward for intake, gowning, prep, etc.

12:00pm – Surgery.

1:00pm – HA! Fooled you! Not yet in surgery…still waiting and now starting to get slightly dizzy and lightheaded due to not eating /drinking anything for 13 hours. Inform nurse (after having internal diaglogue about whether or not I should just leave). Blood pressure is checked – normal. Blood sugar is tested – so NOT normal at a reading of 3.4 mmol/L (normal range before eating is 4-6 mmol/L). Side note: Oh, how I miss Chemistry class!  I tend to go from slightly dizzy and lightheaded to seriously crashing within a few minutes, so I’m glad I said something to the nurse when I did (even though I felt wimpy and was scolded for not having informed her that I’m prone to low blood sugar…HELLO…I hadn’t eaten anything for 13 hours!  Duh!)

1:15pm – IV started by cute / nice anaesthesiologist boy. Saline solution is cold going through IV. Dammit, definitely can’t leave now…what the hell was I thinking?!

2:00pm – Am FINALLY wheeled into OR. Not scared or nervous…at this point, just want to get this the hell over with. Scooted over to OR bed, introduced to all OR nurses and other various people. Told to think about a special, nice place, like maybe a breezy meadow or someth……..zzzzzzzzzzzz. Damn, I was looking forward to counting down backwards from 100. Oh well.

Somewhere around 3:15pm – Groggily awake in initial recovery area (seriously, is this in some other-worldly vortex of the hospital?) Am SOOOOOOOO freaking out of it, it’s not even funny. Kind of scary actually. Am asked several questions from seriously hot black dude (hopefully a nurse or a doctor!) with an accent who just recently moved to Vancouver. Zzzzzzzzzzzz……..

Somewhere around 5:00pm – Groggily awake in final recovery area. Am tended to by nurse. Start to take sips of water and sit up and move my legs and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………..

Somewhere around 5:45pm - Finally see Markus for the first time. He tells me that he has to go move the car, but that he’ll be right bac….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………….

Somewhere around 7:00pm – Not so groggily awake. Nurse makes me get up and go pee. Am okay, but a little shaky, on the way to the bathroom. Just about faint on the way back to the bed. Okay, definitely not ready to be released yet. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz………….

8:00pm – Finally ready to leave recovery area. For real, seriously?!?!?!?!?!? Over 5 HOURS after the end of surgery? Scary and surreal. Definitely do not ever want to do that again.

Markus took great care of me for the next 2 days at home. I figured since we’re not having babies (and as I hope to never be in hospital again!) that I should milk this one for all it was worth. I think I did a pretty good job.

Changes

My last day at my old job was Friday.

I have gallbladder surgery on Wednesday.

Markus’ and my 3rd wedding anniversary is Thursday.

My new job starts next Monday.

The Last Two Months

The last two months have been challenging ones for me, but I’ve learned so much about myself, about Markus, about my friends, and about my life. And for that, I am thankful.

I’ve learned that I am strong and fragile and capable and clumsy and funny and sad and loving and loved and smart and clever and headstrong and human. And that all of these things on any given day are okay. They are what makes me…ME! And I’m pretty awesome.

I’m looking forward to this week and to the week after and to the summer and to the fall and to the winter. And I’m looking forward to repeating it all next year and the year after, until I’m old and grey (oh wait…aren’t I already?!)

Markus’ birthday is coming up in 9 days. I’ve been wondering what to get him. But I think this post is probably what he wants and needs most…to know that I’m happy and content, with myself, with him, with our home, with our lives together.

I’m Officially a Nevisian Now

I killed my first (and hopefully last!) cockroach last night!

Island life is great – especially when you read on Twitter how all your friends and family are getting snowed on in Vancouver! *LOL*

I’m sunburned in odd places. I took a bunch of pics today with my new camera. Jen and I had Chinese food and Oreo ice cream (mmmm!) today for lunch. We’re headed over to St. Kitts tomorrow, so that should be fun. I haven’t been there since my and Markus’ honeymoon two years ago. Friday will be more lounging by the pool (provided my sunburns dissipate a bit by then!), as Jen and Brandon have classes and lab all day. Saturday is still up in the air and Sunday we’ll be brunching with some friends before my flight leaves in the early afternoon.

I’m so glad and fortunate that I could take this time away. I really needed it to recharge and regroup.

Meme Time!

What are your middle names?
Mine is Ann. Very boring and old school. Markus’ is Herbert, after his dad. But he claims he doesn’t have one…do you blame him? *lol* ;-P

How long have you been together?
On May 24, it will be 5 years. Married for 2.5 of those.

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
We met on January 10, 2004, at work. We started noticing each other around March 2004.

Who asked whom out?
I did. *lol* We had been going out in group settings for awhile. After one particular night, I drunk emailed him at 2 am to ask him what his plans were for the weekend. We ended up spending pretty much the whole day together that Monday (long weekend – May 24, 2004) and have been basically joined at the hip ever since.

How old are each of you?
Do I *have* to answer this? Markus is 33…let’s just say I’m older.

Whose siblings do you see the most?
Neither. Both Markus and I are only children.

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
The cultural / communication differences that we have. It’s an interesting situation to love someone that totally doesn’t have many / any of the same references you do (Europe vs. North America). And dealing with different native tongues is always challenging, especially in the heat of an argument. We’re both practicing to be more patient with each other.

Did you go to the same school?
Nope, not even close.

Are you from the same home town?
Again, not even close. Markus grew up in a little town about 20 minutes outside of Vienna, Austria called Korneuburg and I grew up in Kamloops, BC. Interestingly enough, though, they both start with the letter K.

Who is smarter?
We both have our smarts in different areas. Ask Markus anything to do with computers, programming, math, transportation (planes, trains, and automobiles *lol*), languages, capital cities of the world, flags of the world, money, world history and he’s got it covered. Mine are science, literature, business, pop culture, music, art. Together, we’d seriously clean up on Jeopardy!

Who is the most sensitive?
I would say that we’re pretty equal in this regard.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
We like to try lots of different restaurants, so this is a hard one. We do frequent Caffe Barney and Crave on Main for brunch, though. And, of course, the Greek taverna and the pub that are both a block away from our house! *LOL*

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Hong Kong and the Caribbean. ETA: Doh! Markus reminded me that we have also been to Europe a few times. *lol*

Who has the craziest exes?
Me. For sure.

Who has the worst temper?
Surprisingly, Markus.

Who does the cooking?
Markus has definitely been doing the lion’s share of the cooking as of late. Well, really, since we’ve moved out of the condo. I’m trying to make more time for it. We both like to cook together.

Who is the neat-freak?
I am, but I also hate to clean. But it drives me seriously batty when crap is all over the place or there are bread crumbs on the counter, for instance. *lol*

Who is more stubborn?
I’m pretty sure this is me. I’m not a Capricorn for nothing!

Who hogs the bed?
Queen Calli Boo the Kitty. Even in a king-size bed, it’s a challenge some nights.

Who wakes up earlier?
We both hate mornings.

Where was your first date?
Lunch at Banana Leaf on Denman, then a 5 hour stroll around Stanley Park.

Who is more jealous?
Neither of us is particularly jealous.

How long did it take to get serious?
About a month.

Who eats more?
More chocolate? Definitely Markus!

Who does the laundry?
We both do. It’s one of the chores that neither one of us minds so much.

Who’s better with the computer
Ummm…this is a no brainer. Markus.

Who drives when you are together?
I do, but only because I’m neurotic after having been in two fairly serious car accidents as a passenger. I feel better (and it’s usually less stressful on both of us) if I drive.